Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
