i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
