you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
