I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
