think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
