i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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