if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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