I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
