I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
