I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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