a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize