just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize