Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
