Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Randomize
