If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
she woke up with a sticky ear
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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