I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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