So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
