something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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