Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
