I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
