All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
