We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
