11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
