i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
