the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
