My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
