I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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