They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
My vagina just clenched in fear
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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