true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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