It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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