Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
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