Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
