Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
