whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
she peed on how many people?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
