Umm I'm too high to move.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I have aggressive nipples.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize