I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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