now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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