Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize