I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
