running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize