I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
