he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
