she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
