I never want to see another naked old woman again.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
