I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
