I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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