Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
