By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
