haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
