An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
