She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Randomize
