I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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