He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
