It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
