i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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