I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
