oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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