Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
