I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
