I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
