i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
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