I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
