Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
