Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
