fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
